What women really want

One of my favorite ways to spend time is to browse bookstores.

Sure, I’ll take the big chain book stores if that’s the only place I have to peruse in the city but I’m talking about the cozy, small, local bookstores. The independent ones that stay standing even after the popularity and convenience of audiobooks and Amazon.

The ones that come with well-curated books and handwritten notes on the shelves from the staff about why it was their favorite pick of the month and what makes it so worthwhile reading.

The ones with snug corners that make you want to slow down, stop everything you’re doing, grab a book that speaks to you in the moment, sit somewhere, anywhere and stay awhile.

The ones that as soon as you step in, you are immediately embraced by curiosity, wonder, stories and amazement.

Zach, my daughter and I enjoyed a morning breakfast at a table outside of one of our go-to pastry shops downtown. The sky was clear and the birds were chirping as if they were praising all of God’s creation and excited for another day. As we sat there, Riah and I were taking bites into the pillowy cheese danish while Zach was sipping his coffee.

We couldn’t help but notice how happy everyone was as they were walking by. Maybe it’s the tourist season and they’re just really happy to be far away from the cold for a few days. Or maybe it’s how special this beautiful coastal city in Florida truly is. How being here does something inside of you and awakens your human Spirit. The smiles were infectious and it was such a great way to start the day. We noticed a local trolley drive by us and decided that after breakfast, we’d catch a ride to the beach to enjoy some views of the water. It wasn’t something we planned or have done before so it took us hopping on the wrong trolley, walking a few miles back downtown, to hop on the right one.

This is what I love most about spontaneity — the fun thrill you get from figuring it out along the way.

The trolley drove over the large bridge that connects to the barrier islands, graced by palm trees from left to right. We embraced the view of the crispy turquoise water of the bay as we both took the biggest inhale and let out the deepest breath. As we smiled from cheek to cheek, we were enveloped in an ocean of gratitude that we get to have this moment, in this place, on this day. Jetskis and boats were making ripples. Paddle boards and kayaks were riding the gentle waves. The sun blanketed the entire bay and even though we’ve seen this view hundreds of times over the past few years, one would’ve thought that we were tourists catching these views for the very first time.

The trolley circled back to downtown and it was time to go home. On our way back to the car, we passed my favorite bookstore downtown and I told Zach I wanted to stop by. Browsing bookstores isn’t really his jam but while I got lost in my own world, he brought our daughter to the children’s book section, found a comfortable stool and read her a book. I didn’t realize it until I finally picked my head up from the shelves and peeked over at them. It made me appreciate that they could enjoy their time there too.

I made my way to the back of the bookstore and saw this book that fascinated me called “Blue Mind” by Wallace Nichols. It is a book that shares the surprising science behind how being near, in, on, or under water can make you happier, healthier, feel more connected to everyone and everything around you and be better at what you do.

I started reading the back of the book when I heard Zach call my name and put it down. It was time to get Riah back for her afternoon nap. He shared with me how much he enjoyed being there. When we got to the car, I told him about how I came across a book that reminded of me of a story I once heard. A doctor who was depressed and on the brink of suicide. He started to swim in the open ocean water every single day and eventually, his depression transformed into joy. He started sharing with his patients who had depression to spend more time with water — and they too, were able to reduce their medicine intake and eventually recover from depression. And how it’s true, being around water in many ways, feels like home, after all - the average adult human body is made up of about 60% of water.

It makes instinctual sense. He thought my little story was cool and we moved on to the next conversation about how much we enjoyed our day.

Fast forward to Valentine’s day, a day in which I didn’t think we had anything planned.

I decided to dress myself and our daughter up and take her for a Galentine’s date to the nail salon.

Afterwards, we met up with Zach where he greeted us with two gifts.

He asked us both to sit down as he handed them to us.

They were neatly wrapped (I could tell he wasn’t the one who wrapped it 😆)

And as I peeled the first corner of the wrapping paper, I knew it was a book.

As I continued peeling, I saw the photo of the author and thought to myself how familiar he looked.

I turned the book over and it read “Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, In, On, or Under Water Can Make You Happier, Healthier, More Connected, and Better at What You”

I let out a big gasp as my eyes widened.

I said, “Wait! I just read this in the bookstore when we went the other day!”

As if it was the biggest coincidence.

His response to me was “I know, I paid attention” as he let out a proud smile.

My heart was overjoyed and I realized in that moment, what women really desire.

It’s not exactly the things that are trending.

It’s not the expensive designer handbag.

Or the latest and greatest gadgets.

What women truly desire is to be seen, heard and felt — to be noticed when they think you don’t notice them the most.

To feel like what they say matters to you—

even if it’s something that’s not important to you, it matters to you, because it matters to them.

To know that seemingly fleeting moments — are captured by you — frozen in your conscious mind, and shown to them that you remember. That it wasn’t actually just a fleeting moment but a moment that mattered to you.

That you were there with them the entire time they were sharing details of a story, or the part of a show that they like to watch or how their day went, that you listened and you were right there with them.

To see them not just the big moments when a big life event takes place, but in the in-between mundane moments, the small, little ones everyday ones.

To feel their excitement about something and to show them that you care enough to stimulate that excitement with them through small gestures that make the biggest difference.

They want to feel like they have the most prized and precious treasure there is, and that is your attention.

Women don’t want to feel like they have to fight for it or to constantly shout out loud to be seen.

They are already fighting themselves enough.

They want you to pay attention and to notice and to take what you notice and show them you care.

The thoughtfulness goes a long way and to me, it’s worth more than any expensive handbag or gadget.

To me, a simple book, a gesture, that shows he pays attention is enough to make my jaws hurt from smiling cheek to cheek for the rest of the day.

I think it’s safe to say men and any human being would want the same.

How great of a lifetime partnership can we build if we continue to give each other our attention?

It may sound simple but as I alluded to earlier, attention is a precious treasure, especially these days.

These days, everyone is fighting for your attention.

You don’t even have to walk out of your house for it to happen.

The moment you turn on your phone and hop on an app or your email inbox, you’ve already got companies competing to earn your attention and most times, it’s an easy competition for them.

Companies spend millions of dollars, working with all kinds of neuro and behavioral psychologists to study and target how the human mind works and how to capture its attention.

And if we’re using these apps, especially with an untrained mind, it’s very likely that we’ve become the bait and overtime with usage, we catch ourselves having a dissipated, scattered mind.

One that has a hard time paying attention.

Especially when it comes to giving that attention to those we love most instead of checking out.

Ultimately, it’s not a battleground of time, it’s a battleground of attention.

So when someone gives us their attention these days, it is to be deeply treasured because it’s worth more than anything in this world.

Later on Valentine’s day, he took us to the barrier island to this hidden gem of a restaurant that had been around since the 1920’s right by the water. We were seated outside where we had some of the most delicious food while enjoying the views.

We knew this was a place we wanted to come back to again.

We walked on the dock and enjoyed more time by the water.

I gazed into the distance and gratitude took over me.

I had my best friend, my lover and my partner in life standing next to me with our daughter.

“Water! Water!” she continued to shout in excitement.

And I understood why I was initially attracted to the book in the first place, why it intrigued me enough to stop me in the bookstore and read the back page.

Because it’s true, being by the water awakens something inside my mind, body and soul. It connects me to a force greater than myself. It reminds me that we are all visitors swimming in the ocean of bliss and we are all connected just like every drop of water is connected.

It reminds me what I once read by the great 13th century poet,

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”

-Rumi

By the end of the day, I had a serious case of what Wallace Nichols calls, the Blue Mind.

All because my husband noticed and he paid attention.

Warmly,