God Pleasing > People Pleasing

Once upon a time, I was a chronic people pleaser.

Not the cutesy, “I just want everyone to be happy” kind— but the deeply conditioned, survival mode kind. The kind that learns early on that love feels safest when it’s earned not given.

As the oldest child and a first generation Asian American, (holla to ya girl if that’s you too), expectations came before I ever learned how to “rest” or take it easy. First children are often the trial run. We are the ones our parents learn the majority of their mistakes through… what works, what doesn’t, what to do differently next time.

We become the filter.

The example.

The proof of their sacrifices.

So praise came when I was being helpful.

Praise came when I did things like call customer service to dispute a wrongful charge or write the check so my parents could pay their bills.

Approval came when I was well-behaved and responsible.

I learned quickly: stay resourceful, agreeable, good, dependable, reliable, accommodating — and you will be loved.

And to be clear, I was loved. I grew up with hardworking parents who provided, who cared, who did the very best they could with what they had for the majority of my childhood…until my dad left and it was only my mom.

And yet as much as I felt loved, I also felt the weight of responsibilities like it was my duty.

I felt it everywhere.

In my grades (teacher’s pet anyone? =D)

In translating and explaining the world to parents who barely spoke English.

In getting things right the first time.

In being the example for my younger siblings.

I learned how to be dependable and capable.

How to read the room. How to anticipate needs before they were spoken. How to hold a conversation. How to hold space.

I became the emotional buffer and absorbed the stress so that my younger siblings didn’t have to. As the oldest, we smooth the tension. We mediate the conflict. We hold it together so well that no one notices the quiet ways we erode inside until the erosion becomes an eruption.

To me, people pleasing wasn’t just a personality trait, it was a survival skill.

It led me to be a chronic striver.

I was always striving for something even when I didn’t know what it was.

Overtime my worth became tied to meeting everyone’s needs over my expressing my own. Heck, I barely made enough room to understand my own needs, let alone to express it.

I would feel so defeated.

Because I would strive and strive, study hard, work hard, not ask for much, and it still felt like whatever finish line I was striving towards just kept moving.

It got to a place where in my early 20’s, I crashed and burned … hard.

Hanging at the edge of a cliff kind of hard (another story for another day) but it led me down the path I’m on now and it’s why I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life talking about mental health and well-being.

I’ve learned a lot since then—

I’ve learned how to set firm boundaries.

I’ve learned how to say no to co-dependent parents and everyone else.

How to communicate my needs or what I’m looking for.

How to not over explain myself.

How to disappoint people and survive it without the guilt crushing my chest the way it used to.

How to negotiate fairly and masterfully on just about anything.

And most importantly, how to let God’s approval carry more weight than everyone else’s expectations.

Because living a life based on what other people expect from you will eventually kill you.

If it doesn’t kill you physically, it will kill you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

It will exhaust you.

It will numb you.

It will turn you into someone you are not.

It will cause you to question who you are or what you stand for.

It will make you feel like you’re a stranger living inside your own body.

It will rob you of the joy and the peace that is innately yours.

It will teach you how to perform, how to strive, how to earn instead of be.

It will teach you how to prioritize checking the room over checking your spirit.

And I get it. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of pleasing people in the world we live in today.

Social media literally trains us to live by what others expect of us.

Say and post what most people like and you will get more followers.

Publish what is trending and you will get more likes.

Share what most people share and do what most people do and you will get more popular.

And when you’re not careful, you will automatically get trapped in the snare of other people’s expectations of you.

Most people didn’t choose to be people pleasers— they drifted into the snare without realizing it.

But that’s not what God wants for us.

We were not created to fear man.

In Scripture, Proverbs 29:25 says:

“The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.”

When we are controlled by fear of what others think or might do, it becomes a trap. A trap that imprisons our potential. A trap that leads to poor choices, pressure and compromise. When we strive for approval because we’re so scared of rejection, we limit our own freedom.

I don’t know about you but I would much rather the world reject me, than to turn against my own Father.

Because what I do know through lived experience is that when you put your trust in the Lord and you honor his ways, you will always have a safe landing.

It doesn’t mean you won’t encounter obstacles or that you will never suffer or feel pain.

But it means you will live a life that is guided by Divine wisdom, grounded in peace and security even when people disapprove.

I have made many risky decisions in my life that people disapprove of — but I did it anyway and I can truly say i’m proud of the woman I’ve become because of it.

Fearing people leads to bondage.

But when we trust God, we are lead to true freedom and a stability that cannot be shaken.

So here I am—

Currently in my God pleasing over people pleasing era.

Learning how to be unhinged when it means I get to be obedient to His promptings.

Learning how to go He tells me to go.

Learning how to rest when He tells me rest.

Not rushing.

Not falling into the trap of cultural productivity.

Not doing things or saying things just because it’s what’s popular.

Not performing or putting on a facade like my life is some kind of a show.

Not shrinking to make others comfortable.

Not explaining myself to people who were never meant to understand my assignment.

Not trading obedience for applause.

Not confusing visibility with value.

Not allowing the fear of man to drown out the voice of God.

Because I’ve learned that when God is pleased, I am free.

Free from the need to be liked.
Free from the pressure to perform.
Free from the anxiety of keeping up with the rat race.

And that freedom is worth far more than any platform, approval, or praise this world could offer.

And hey…

If I’m honest, people pleasing hasn’t disappeared completely. I’m human.

There are times I still notice it creeping up.

There are times I still question why I do things that don’t serve me even though I know I’ll pay for it later.

It shows up when I’m tired. When I’m rushing.

When I forget to slow down and listen to that still voice inside.

But here’s the blessing I now know:

God doesn’t rush me.
He doesn’t demand me to perform.
He doesn’t confuse my usefulness with my worth.

Slowing down the past few years has taught me this.

Withdrawing from the fast pace of our culture and paying attention and observing has taught me this.

Walking away from business ventures I built from the ground up because God said it was time to walk away taught me this.

Motherhood, marriage, ordinary mornings, unanswered prayers, being patient in the waiting and small daily mercies have taught me this.

The fruits of the spirit has showed up in more ways than I have time to express.

I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned and I know applying it has already helped me to parent my first child a way that protects her childlike nature.

I’m learning…again and again—to choose to be God-pleaser over people-pleaser.

Not perfectly.

Not loudly.

But faithfully and honest-hearted devotion.

And maybe that’s the true work of a lifetime:

To stop striving long enough to realize we were already held. 🍵

So if you consider yourself a people pleaser, here’s a question to ponder on tonight:

“How could you lead a God pleasing over people pleasing life more starting tomorrow? How would your life drastically change?” Would love to hear it in the comments if the answer comes to you right away.

Warmly,

P.S. By the way, as you can see from the time this post was published that I didn’t hit my goal of going to bed before 9 PM tonight but hey, writing this was so much more fun than sleeping and it happens :)